I fee like I need to give context and reason to anything I write on this blog. The blog I always forget I started. I want it to seem like I had an idea of what I wanted this blog to be when I hastily created it like 2 years ago. But I had no idea and I still don’t. So I’m just going to dive right in. It’s January 2017 and like a lot of people I started the New Year by writing out 25 goals I want accomplish in my 25th year. And just like many, many years before health and fitness made the list! Another year, another desire to FINALLY start losing the weight I’ve seriously been dreaming of losing since high school. I want this year’s list of goals to actually matter and be accomplished. So blogging (or attempting to blog) my way through it is the accountability I probably need to actually make it happen. So thank you for joining me on this journey to completely reinventing myself (an idea that has always been so appealing to me)
I’ve recently started using myfitnesspal again to track calories. I’m always willing to try new diets and exercise routines but I tend to lack discipline and ultimately love food too much. So I’m giving calorie tracking a more serious shot. I was just browsing through all the things you can do with myfitnesspal and realized there’s a profile you can fill out that has some questions about you and your weight loss journey. The first box to fill in was simply titled “About Me” and it turns out I have a lot of feelings that could be expanded on in a more appropriate place. And well… that place is here.
I have always been fat. As a child I was taller, rounder, and lumpier than anyone else my age. I don’t know how much impact being quite chubby with a stomach that somehow had two different sections had on me when I was younger. But I knew there was something off about me. In second grade I had to start wearing the equivalent of plus sized clothing for children. Thankfully JC Penney had a great selection of clothing in those “big girl” sizes and I could still have clothes that matched my friends. But that was the first real marker where I noticed there was something different about me.
The first time I knew I was fat was when I was 10. I took dance lessons for many years and costumes were always kind of an issue. That year the shorts that came with my sailor’s costume were quite small on me. Before I got professional pictures taken my mom took me to some department store and bought me a white skirt that fit properly and would look better in the pictures. I had to buy that skirt in a size 3 from the juniors department. It was one of those moments where I felt cool to be buying clothes that older girls wore but also I was kind of embarrassed.
I spent the summer between 5th and 6th grade trying to lose weight. One afternoon I was at my best friend’s house hanging out and her mom was starting to do weight watchers. I spent like 20 minutes talking to her about dieting and how she lost weight and why she really hated weight watchers. I soaked up all the information she had. She had success at losing weight and it made me feel like I could too. I was so determined to become normal before I entered middle school.
My mom was always a bit more concerned about my weight then me. She did her best to keep me active and limit all those sugary foods kids love. She didn’t want me to suffer and be ridiculed for being fat. She was always trying to help me make better choices and I am so thankful for that. But I hated sports and was terrible at all of them. I just wanted to like everyone else and not have to worry about what I was eating and getting enough exercise. I just wanted to be a kid.
I ended up feeling a lot of tension between being a normal kid and being super aware of my weight. That tension caused me to have a very unhealthy relationship with food. Any chance I had to eat sugary cereal, indulge in Little Debbie dessert snacks/any type of chip or drink non-diet pop I went CRAZY. Being at my friends houses were like heaven. I could have anything my heart desired! No other parent was going to tell me to stop eating all the delicious garbage they were feeding their kids as well. I had freedom with my food and it was glorious. And I started to realize I could eat all the food I wanted if I did it in secret. So sneaking food and overeating became my most sacred habit. And as I got older, I kept growing bigger and my desire to lose weight was still there but my love of food was always the most powerful feeling I had.
By the time I was in high school I cared less and less about my weight. I was happy, had a solid group of friends and was never made fun of for being fat. At least no one ever made fun of me to my face. I felt well liked and connected with people easily. I never necessarily liked how my body looked or deep down wanted to be the weight I was and have all the fat rolls that I did. But I had enough confidence in myself and I loved who I was. Somehow my weight (thankfully) didn’t really stop me from enjoying my life. I did all the things I wanted, attended every school dance alone or with my friends and was able to fake it til I made it whenever I felt my insecurities about my weight rising to the surface.
There was always the thought in the back of my mind that I wanted to lose weight and stop being everyone’s funny fat friend but I have the worst self control and almost no discipline in my life. As I entered college I realized it was the perfect time to reinvent myself. I started trying to eat healthier and work out but every time I would mess up, I would just give up and decide that I’ll just never be able to lose weight and look the way I want. Luckily my quitter attitude would only last for a little bit and I’d get determined again.
Every few months for the past 6.5 years I’ve attempt a new weight loss/health tool: weight watchers, a new workout program, some fad diet etc. but nothing ever seems to stick. It’s been a constant struggle to make the changes necessary to become a better version of myself. I love food so much. Food has been my ultimate comfort over the years. Through hard friendships, feeling like no one cared about me and just general heart break. Food always made me feel good and was something to look forward to. I always end up feeling like I have to “deprive” myself of things I really love to ever be successful in getting healthy and taking control of my life. And also my terrible, terrible eating habits. But I can’t let the difficulty of something keep me from changing in ways that will only be beneficial. I’ve got to stop giving myself space to make excuses and actually just freaking do it.
I don’t want to always have this intense struggle with food. I want to see food the way it actually is: something that keeps me alive. I want to overhaul my life this year and start making things right in more areas that just losing weight. I want to choose health, longevity and the ability to do everything I truly want. I don’t want my weight to control me or my obsession/addiction to food to always come first. I am so ready to change and have freedom from food. I’m ready to experience joy outside of a really satisfying meal. So this is where I am: putting real effort into changing, choosing self control & discipline in all areas of my life and knowing now is finally the time to choose true joy.
This is my letter of accountability for the journey. This year is my year.